.making me new.

i write this as my heart aches, as i trusted another who let me down. i write through the pain, the anger, the bitterness and frustration, the stupidity and hopelessness. i write this feeling betrayed and lied to, feeling like a fool for trusting someone with my heart and my feelings before i should have. i write this through tears of resentment and past failures, through desperation and solitude.

i write this realizing i have decided to live through the philosophy that if you dont feel right in a decision, get out of it. yet, as someone returned the favor to me, i sit bitter, angry and upset at the fact. it's such a simple phrase to live by, "do what's right for you, dont hurt the other person," yet it's so incredibly complicated in itself. it's shocking how simple words can change a person's life so drastically in such a short amount of time. the simple trust factor that one person has for another can shatter a belief system in such a short period of time.

as i sat crying, frustrated, skyping my dear cousin in zimbabwe, she ((in all her wisdom)) pointed out a simple song for me to listen to, repeating itself on my computer as i write. beautiful things by gungor.

[verse 1:]
All this pain..
I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change, at all.
All this earth..
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground, at all?

[chorus:]
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of dust.
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of us.

[verse 2:]
All around,
Hope is springin up from this old ground.
Out of chaos, life is being found in You.
[chorus:] 2x

[bridge:]
You make me new,
You are making me new.
You make me new,
You are making me new. (making me new.)


life is so hard. love is so hard. caring for another is so hard. while we stare in desperation at the emptiness behind us, we forget the beauty that is lying ahead. while we suffer through the hard decisions, pain, and frustration, we forget that tomorrow there will be beauty, there will be a sunrise, there will be a renewing of our Spirits, IF we allow it. everyday, if we allow, God will make us new, He will make us whole, He will slowly heal our wounds and allow us to learn to trust, to love, to believe again. 


every time i get hurt, i make the decision that i will give up. i will stop loving, i will stop trying, i will stop caring, and that will make it all okay. and every time i fail at that decision. i cannot stop loving, i cannot stop trying, i cannot stop caring. my heart is in this to much. because the pain i feel, as much as i hate to admit it, is slowly making me stronger. right now, my heart may harbor bitter and angry thoughts and feelings, yet slowly, He is making me new.

suffering in solitude.

the attempt to write my heart has always failed in the past. i was never the girl who managed to keep a diary for longer than a month at a time, and while my feelings are written in random journals, i cannot begin to start piecing them together to make any sense of time or age. yet, maybe while i write out my feelings in frustration, anger or joy, i can attempt to affect someone's life who has decided to follow each slow step that i make forward, and who isnt afraid to cry with me when i take two back.


the journey i have found myself on in this 21st year of my life is not one that i would have picked for myself. which is a funny statement, considering i have placed myself in it. oh, to remember back at age 12 when i had everything figured out, yet i discovered quickly how time flies the older you get, and you never quite have life figured out the way you thought you did.


i find myself on a beautiful path of discovery, hardship, tears and regret, yet i am still refusing to let go of the dream i have held onto for so long. i have always had the stubbornness of my family, and i will fight to get what i know God has called me to. the life of saving others, the life of putting others in front of my wishes, and discovering beauty through pain, love through a world of hate, and beautiful peace.